happy birthday - 4 years later

An update reminder on my phone told me to update Google photos

An application that holds thousands of pictures that I have hoarded since 2016.

-The year after I got a phone call from the hospital telling me that my own mom passed away. And in the thousands of blurry memories, I found only a handful with her face in it. No videos to listen to the vertical pitch in her voice and the funny inverted tones that she used to make me and my sister laugh. I can't find any remains of the angry tone that she would wear to scold at me when I was being a stupid teenager. I can't find a single image of her cooking when she spent so much time doing that for us and God how I miss her cooking. Though there are a few that I have, there are no amount of photos that accurately depict the radiance of her smile, her motherly warmth and the absurdity of her weird ways that were so familiar to us, her effortless way of being such a good mother. The good examples she set. the courage she held and the tragedy that left with her. I wish I could have ambushed her with pictures and videos. I remember during her last days I tried to but she was effortful and not fully herself, her smile - now forced, wasn't giving her all. Some days she was mean and sad and tired. The medicine made her more stubborn and I became immune to her sickness. I tried to avoid it because giving it a purpose would mean maybe giving it an end. And in the midst of the scrolling through the images of my mom's face, I remembered her in the midst of my current life-one that feels all too separate and distant from the one that I shared with her. I cry right now because I fear that one day my memory will not entirely remember these little details as well as tonight. And a mother is someone who you know and miss forever. No replacement for her...

When she sat across the orange walls to keep me company during my dermatology appointments. When she angered me with her constant pestering through every holiday over my ridiculous outfit choices. A few days after she passed when Valerie told me she didn't want to see Allison and Daniel because she didn't want to cry in front of them but they came over anyway and made us laugh from their hilarious moving bodies (bad dancing, lol). When you came into my room one night and told me I should watch a show called Girls on HBO. When I would feel annoyance sometimes when you complained of pain. When we went to universal studios for new years eve and when we saw the Beatles tribute band a few years back at Knott's Berry Farm. When I came into your room and told you my goals for what I wanted to do with my "life" (haha). When you took Halloween pictures with me when I didn't have any plans or friends that one year. When I went to Gal's kickback days after the funeral and left Sheila's car feeling placid and grateful for the temporary company of my friends, but then noticed the emptiness of the apartment with only dad in it.

A few weeks ago when I was doing vita I helped a woman who reminded me of you. She looked so motherly and concerned and she was frustrated because her refund was not enough to pay her rent. A look of desperation, but a composed and refreshed look of confidence that reminded me of yours. When she started crying from pain I remembered yours when you wouldn't feel good, one night when I had to bathe you and the only night. I would do it so many more times. I didn't know. I remember how foreign your body looked and all the terrible thoughts I must have had. I wonder how you felt.

This is so sad mama I wish I could miss you every day and it feels selfish of me to not. I have questions and experiences that I want you to be a part of, I wish you met Dillon and I wish you could teach me how to cook. I wish I could hug you and feel you once more. I wish I could take you on vacation buy you gifts and spoil you now that I have some money

why weren't you able to exist for longer,  why did you have to leave so soon are questions that feel heavy on my throat like gum stuck under a shoe

The Grocery Store

The store - a boutique feeling
with aged cheeses and different kinds of chocolates,
arranged by alphabetical order  - made me feel something today
the color of the walls were yellow
a man short in stature offered me a slice of his turkey breast as we waited for the deli girl to take my order
I bought blackberries
a bag of Peruvian coffee in the checkout line caught my eye and I thought of my dad
the cashier - a Caucasian woman,
whose monotone voice I found intimidating a few minutes back, told me to have a nice day
her stoic expression suddenly looked like a way to cope with the routine 6 PM traffic.
In the next shop, leftover matzo bread decorated the shelves every other aisle like a girlfriend trying too hard
the absurdity of matzo balls next to floppy rabbit plush toys made me laugh
I visited each aisle when I only needed two things - garlic and sugar
time was elongated like an accordion,  how wonderful it was that there was no deadline
outside, the musky sun remembered me
I slipped into my car and drove off home

Alice Notley